What would normally be a hot, summer night feels like a cool, autumn evening . . . and I love it! It is August 8, 66 degrees, and windy with a splash of rain. Summers are usually spectular here in Erie - but not this one. I have never seen so many cloudy and rainy days during the summer months. To be perfectly honest, I don't mind. I don't own a boat, jet ski, have a pool, belong to a country club, or feel completely comfortable in my bikini this season so I am not missing out. Fall has always been a favorite of mine - from the fashion to the smells (pumpkin, apple-cinnamon) I'm in love with every bit of it.
This past year I have been living my life through seasons. When I moved back to Erie last September I told myself I would have a job by winter (in order to buy everyone xmas gifts of course). That never happened. I then pushed it back to having a job by March...then July...and so on. I also said I would have my '05, barnight body back by summer...ummm not so much. I think maybe I should stop living on a seasonal timeline and just LIVE! I trust that my purpose in life with show itself in due time. After 10 years of mistreatment, my body is taking a long time to adjust to eating meals and food normally. My metabolism is extremely confused...but slowly speeding up to where it should be. There was one other vision in a future season I had - I saw myself bringing a guy with me to the Peak for Thanksgiving this year. At this rate...that is not happening! Why is it so difficult for some and easy as pie for others to find love and hold onto it? I know that when I figure out my life, what I want, and how to make myself happy - it will happen. But it's just taking too long. Sometimes I don't even think I want a boyfriend - I'm so indecisive and all over the place. I mean, who would want to date someone who might pick up and leave for Chicago or LaLa Land in a few months? I have just never had a solid, stable relationship for a long period of time. I'm not whining...I've had a great life. I just question - what does it take? I know so many fantastic women who are in the same boat as me. Many of my girlfriends in New York City struggle with love. Is it because guys are intimidated? These girls are beautiful, smart, successful, independent, and hilarious. With that being said, why are they still single? They don't want to be. Why do some of us have so many more experiences to learn from before we find what we are looking for while others simply need to walk out the front door?
To change the subject...slightly - Why do we keep people in our lives that hurt us or make us feel bad? Maybe I'm the only one that does that. I see the good in people, give them the benefit of the doubt, and always give second, sometimes third chances. Why??! So I can be hurt, used, and abused all over again? If someone makes you second guess yourself and manipulates you into thinking the way you are living your life is bad, why keep them around? (Unless, of course, you really are leading a rotten life and they are just trying to help). I guess I hope they won't do it again, they will realize they were wrong, and learn from their mistake. More often than not, it doesn't work out that way. I always let the good overshadow the bad. I believe this is a great quality to have - but not when it is taken to extremes. I guess I'm an extremist. An indecisive extremist?! Ha, that's just great!
One more thing that has been on my mind. Is there such thing as nouveau riche of the body? So, new money families dress themselves in diamonds and furs, drive around in the most expensive cars, and let people know how much money they have any way they can. Disgust, yes. What about the ones who are fat, lose a bunch of weight, and then flaunt it. Do you think the contestants on the "Biggest Loser" who drops hundreds of pounds are the same people inside as they were the day they started? Aside from the newfound confidence and empowerment - do you think they change? Do they talk about themselves and their body at all costs? Do they look down on others who may not be as fit? Do they become materialistic and start to focus soley on appearance? I hate when people lose sight of who they are and what really matters. There is nothing anyone can do to help them. They have to recognize what they have become and want to change. For some that never happens - I have pity on them.
Sorry if this post was a bit all over the place and confusing. But, that's how I am feeling today.
Love, Lili
