Halloween in August

What would normally be a hot, summer night feels like a cool, autumn evening . . . and I love it! It is August 8, 66 degrees, and windy with a splash of rain. Summers are usually spectular here in Erie - but not this one. I have never seen so many cloudy and rainy days during the summer months. To be perfectly honest, I don't mind. I don't own a boat, jet ski, have a pool, belong to a country club, or feel completely comfortable in my bikini this season so I am not missing out. Fall has always been a favorite of mine - from the fashion to the smells (pumpkin, apple-cinnamon) I'm in love with every bit of it.

This past year I have been living my life through seasons. When I moved back to Erie last September I told myself I would have a job by winter (in order to buy everyone xmas gifts of course). That never happened. I then pushed it back to having a job by March...then July...and so on. I also said I would have my '05, barnight body back by summer...ummm not so much. I think maybe I should stop living on a seasonal timeline and just LIVE! I trust that my purpose in life with show itself in due time. After 10 years of mistreatment, my body is taking a long time to adjust to eating meals and food normally. My metabolism is extremely confused...but slowly speeding up to where it should be. There was one other vision in a future season I had - I saw myself bringing a guy with me to the Peak for Thanksgiving this year. At this rate...that is not happening! Why is it so difficult for some and easy as pie for others to find love and hold onto it? I know that when I figure out my life, what I want, and how to make myself happy - it will happen. But it's just taking too long. Sometimes I don't even think I want a boyfriend - I'm so indecisive and all over the place. I mean, who would want to date someone who might pick up and leave for Chicago or LaLa Land in a few months? I have just never had a solid, stable relationship for a long period of time. I'm not whining...I've had a great life. I just question - what does it take? I know so many fantastic women who are in the same boat as me. Many of my girlfriends in New York City struggle with love. Is it because guys are intimidated? These girls are beautiful, smart, successful, independent, and hilarious. With that being said, why are they still single? They don't want to be. Why do some of us have so many more experiences to learn from before we find what we are looking for while others simply need to walk out the front door?

To change the subject...slightly - Why do we keep people in our lives that hurt us or make us feel bad? Maybe I'm the only one that does that. I see the good in people, give them the benefit of the doubt, and always give second, sometimes third chances. Why??! So I can be hurt, used, and abused all over again? If someone makes you second guess yourself and manipulates you into thinking the way you are living your life is bad, why keep them around? (Unless, of course, you really are leading a rotten life and they are just trying to help). I guess I hope they won't do it again, they will realize they were wrong, and learn from their mistake. More often than not, it doesn't work out that way. I always let the good overshadow the bad. I believe this is a great quality to have - but not when it is taken to extremes. I guess I'm an extremist. An indecisive extremist?! Ha, that's just great!

One more thing that has been on my mind. Is there such thing as nouveau riche of the body? So, new money families dress themselves in diamonds and furs, drive around in the most expensive cars, and let people know how much money they have any way they can. Disgust, yes. What about the ones who are fat, lose a bunch of weight, and then flaunt it. Do you think the contestants on the "Biggest Loser" who drops hundreds of pounds are the same people inside as they were the day they started? Aside from the newfound confidence and empowerment - do you think they change? Do they talk about themselves and their body at all costs? Do they look down on others who may not be as fit? Do they become materialistic and start to focus soley on appearance? I hate when people lose sight of who they are and what really matters. There is nothing anyone can do to help them. They have to recognize what they have become and want to change. For some that never happens - I have pity on them.

Sorry if this post was a bit all over the place and confusing. But, that's how I am feeling today.

Love, Lili

Loss for Words

I am completely at a loss. I am determined to not go months between posts - but I don't know what to write about. I constantly have thoughts and ideas racing through my head - just not sure which ones to pull out and share with you.

Last night someone asked me to tell them a story. I couldn't think of a story to tell. I have so many good ones...but came back with nothing! :( All the good stories were buried in my mind - which are difficult for me to dig up. I don't know the quickest way to tap into the subconscious part of my head just yet...I'm working on it though! I still need some sort of trigger to remember a story and to tell it. My story situation is almost like when you run into someone you don't care for and you want to tell them how you really feel. Not until after they walk away does the perfect comeback or response come to you. It's probably better that way. I'm sure I would regret any negative remark I made to someone. I don't like to stoop to that level. Those types of thoughts are better left unsaid and better left alone. In the past I have been a dweller. I would dwell on the negative or things that didn't go my way - not anymore. What a waste of time! Dwelling doesn't do anything but attract more of whatever it is your dwelling on into your life. I don't think people realize how powerful their mind is. If you think you don't have a chance at something - you don't. You just set yourself up for failure right there, thinking like that. I guess you can say it is like "The Secret." Most people have seen, read, or heard of The Secret. I am finishing up a book from the library called, "Understanding Your Subconscious Mind." It was written in '63. It is the same exact concept as The Secret. I truly believe everything and am going to practice what it says. It's funny how a new spin on this story and a bit of marketing can turn an age-old idea into a multi-million dollar product. Damn, I wish I would have read this book 10 years ago!

Love, Lili

Who Says You Can't Go Home?

No one! So that is what I did. I moved home to Erie about six months ago . . . wow, has it really been that long?! Time sure flies when you're happy and having fun. Don't get me wrong - NYC was a blast and I have left behind some terrific friends; but nothing beats waking up to the sound of birds or lawnmowers as opposed to car horns or drunk bums. Everyone that I meet and run into back home always wants to know, "Why on earth would you leave a place like New York?" The answer is simple - I love Erie. My appreciation for this town developed during the time I was away. To leave and come back gives you a completely different perspective. I missed my family. I missed being a part of a community. I guarantee any person who lives in the city or who has moved back home will say - "I miss driving my car to the grocery store." It is the simple things in life that I missed. New York has glitz and glamour painted all over it. I always dreamed of being a part of that. I thought that was my calling. Yet, no matter how much I tried to resist - I found I will always be a small town girl at heart. Don't get me wrong - I will not change my style or my preferences. DVF over Express. A nice Pinot over a quarter draft. Tennis over bowling. I know Erie is a beer and bowling town - but I never was and probably never will be a beer or bowling girl. However, I will roll around in the grass, swim in the lake, and buy produce off the street (well, I guess people do that in NYC all the time - but you get the point).

Since being home I have done things that I never got to do in New York. I was able to go back to my roots and get involved with the theater again. I had the honor of being in the Erie Playhouse production of CATS. I met so many wonderful people and formed great friendships. I had forgotten what it felt like to be on stage - the excitement, the adrenaline - I never thought I would ever be able to feel that again. Thankfully, I was wrong.

I've dated a bit since I moved back as well. One would think that it is easy to find men in New York because there are so many people, WRONG. A common misconception. In Erie, I've dated good, genuine, nice guys - at least they were for a few weeks... Ha.

Oh! One new thing I've done . . Karaoke!!! Last Monday was my first time, I sang Take a Bow by Madonna. I struggle to find songs in my range...but that one worked. Last Wednesday I belted out These Boots Are Made for Walkin' (Nancy Sinatra), Dreams (Fleetwood Mac), and Love Will Keep Us Alive (Eagles). It is soooo much fun!

Fleetwood Mac - that reminds me. For Christmas, Danny was "too lazy" to go to the store and pick something out for me. Instead - I got to accompany him to Fleetwood Mac at the Mellon Arena on March 1. 10th Row Floor Seats. Amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have no other words.

I'll do my best to keep this updated. Not sure if anyone is reading it. But for those who are, hope you enjoy it!

Love, Lili