I can't sleep . . .

Do you ever stop and think, think about life and how you choose to live yours? Are you where you thought you would be? Are you doing what you thought you would doing? Are you surrounded by people you love and want to be around? Where will you be next year? Do you want to be in the same place, the same state of mind, be in the same relationship, the same job, have the same outlook on life? I do this a lot. I think. I think until it drives me mad. Usually I end up crying cause I get so confused – pathetic, I know. I probably just haven’t found my place. What is my place? What am I supposed to be doing and where am I supposed to be going?

I should be happy right? I should be doing things I enjoy. Living life to the fullest. I’m not. I spend my days at a job I don’t like at all. I don’t want to excel, I don’t want to grow there – so why am I wasting my time? OH, that’s right. . .I’m waiting. I’m waiting til something else comes along. But, while I wait, I wonder what I am missing out on? If it’s true, and we only have 4 more years left (http://2012wiki.com/index.php?title=Main_Page), I should be doing more than I am. I should be following my dreams, my passions . . . if I only knew what they were. I have grown, life has gotten complicated, and sometimes I feel I have lost myself. I lost what I believe in, I lost what I love to do, I lost the passion I used to have towards things. Where did it go? Is it back in the gymnasium where I had my last cheerleading competition? Is it in the studio at Lake Erie Ballet? Is it at 229 Burcham in the Chi Omega house at Michigan State?

When times get tough and I get confused and start thinking, as I am now – all I tend to think about are the times when I was truly happy. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy here. I have a lot of great friends and am experiencing a city and a part of life that many never will. However, there is still something missing. All my life I have entertained. Whether it be singing on stage at the local theater, dancing in the Nutcracker, cheering on sports teams and at our own competitions, or wowing the entire Greek System at Bar night (dance) competition with Randi’s amazing choreography. Those were the times where I was the happiest. My true passion shined through. I was motivated, upbeat, enthusiastic, competitive, I gave it my all, 110% all of the time! I didn’t care how hard it was, I was going to do it! I would really love to feel those feelings again! But how? I had to grow up sometime. Now I have a job, have to pay the bills, have to live. What is living if there is no passion? No love for what you are doing? So I start . . . I’m going to find it again. Not sure how, but I will find a way. . . I always do.
I will always remember the first lesson my Dad ever taught me. Well, I’m sure there were more before this one – but this is the one I remember and have followed. In one of his law books, ‘The Bramble Bush,’ there is a poem in the very beginning –

There was a man in our town and he was wondrous wise. He jumped into a Bramble Bush and scratched out both his eyes. And when he saw that he was blind, with all his might and mane, he jumped into another one and scratched them in again.

Now – I didn’t lose an eye and I have no wounds that need to heal – but I have lost something. I plan on jumping back in, back into the things that once gave me such joy and made me the person I am today!

Love, Lili